Alienation of a child from the other parent may be a common phenomenon after a divorce. There are no statistical data on cases. The authorities have no means to intervene in alienation.
Sam’s spouse suddenly divorced him three years ago and initially also took their common child with them.
– My wife left to live with her grandmother and then announced the divorce by email. It was really brutal. I didn’t see our child for 26 days. The concern for the child was great. I wonder what he thinks of me.
Sami contacted child protection when he was not allowed to see his child despite his numerous requests.
– I was able to see our daughter, but the real problems started after my report to child protection. The situation quickly escalated. My ex-wife wanted to snitch on me and filed a child protection report on me as well.
Sami would have liked for his daughter to live on a day-to-day basis, but according to the court’s decision, he can only see his child every other weekend. Ex-spouse and daughter moved 300 kilometers away.
– There is a constant longing for it. You just have to live with it. Three years like this, and even the brain cells slowly die into silence. Everything dad does is wrong in mom’s opinion, and she tells our daughter about it.
Sam’s name has been changed. His identity is known to Yle, but it is not told in this story to protect the interests of the child.
Yle has also been in contact with Sam’s ex-spouse. According to him, their case is not about alienation.
Alienation as a weapon of revenge
According to a recent survey, alienating a child after a divorce, i.e. deliberately making the relationship between the child and the other parent difficult, is a common phenomenon, but there are no statistics on the cases.
According to a survey commissioned by the Association of First and Shelter Homes, 90 percent of professionals working with separation situations have encountered alienation.
Alienation is domestic violence. The motives are mostly anger and bitterness. The background can also be, for example, fear of losing a child or difficulty letting go of a relationship. In some cases, there may be challenges in the parent’s personality.
The association wants to emphasize the child’s safety. Protecting a child from an abusive parent is not alienation, but intentional alienation is very damaging to the child.
– It’s about the child’s attachment relationships that fall apart. Eventually, the child becomes alienated from himself. The child has to live in a very tense, stressful and burdensome situation, says Vaitomaa.
Both mothers and fathers are guilty of alienation. Alienation can have very fatal and serious consequences for the alienated parent as well.
The peer support line of the Fathers with Children Association receives many calls from victims of alienation.
No studies, no means of intervention
Alienation has been little studied in Finland. Intervening in it is also difficult.
The association of first aid and shelter homes noticed that estranged parents are interlopers who are not helped by anyone. Since professionals in the field have no means to intervene in alienation, the union will publish an electronic guide next March.
– We decided to put our hands in the clay and find out with the help of international research how alienation can be tackled. Both parents and the child need long-term conversational help, says Vaitomaa.
A new law to improve the position of the child
The Child Custody and Visitation Rights Act, which entered into force in 2019, aims to improve the child’s right to both parents and prevent alienation. The law requires that the government closely monitor the effects of the law.
However, comprehensive monitoring has not been done.
In Honkanen’s opinion, the time seems unreasonably long.
– If there are any points in the law that do not work, they should be systematically clarified. We have been informed that this is the case in this law.
The pain of losing your own child
Facebook’s Victims of Alienation support group has almost a thousand members. Sami is one of them. In his opinion, child welfare and the judiciary favor mothers. Research data does not support this claim.
– Child protection and the judiciary are too burdened. There really isn’t time to delve into individual cases thoroughly. There are many messages in the peer support group that there is a systematic system for displacing fathers, Sami feels.
In practice, Sami sees his daughter two days a month because of the distance. We travel on Friday and Sunday and play on Saturday. However, he feels lucky that he even gets to meet his daughter, unlike some of his fellow fates.
Sami still has a small hope of cohabitation, even though he knows it won’t happen for at least several years, because the legal processes are long.
– For two days a month, for example, I cannot influence any of my child’s educational matters. We always start from the beginning when we meet, how to say thank you.
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