Actor Miika Laakso dreams of one day being able to say happy Father’s Day to his biological father as well as his foster father.
The black and white drawing shows a tree with empty boxes on its branching branches. “Now you can make your own family tree” the teacher announces after handing out the multiples. Ten-year-old Miika Laakso stares in confusion at the paper, at the blank title lines on the branches. Then he looks around at his schoolmates, who start filling in the multiplication table just like that.
– I spent some time wondering what I was going to do. I decided that maybe the family tree was about this family. I didn’t start drawing any additions.
Then he would have had to tell you that he has parents, a dad and a mum. An adopted little sister. But then there are the biological parents. A mother who died when Laakso was little. A father who is out there somewhere.
A little unclear pattern.
– I’ve known since I was little that I was adopted, so it hasn’t been a taboo. Instead, several people I’ve encountered have taken a mental leap back if I’ve mentioned it.
– Hi, I’m Miika, I’m your brother. I’ve said several times such sentences, which are just like movie stuff, replots. And even if it seems strange to say them out loud, they have to be said. Let’s continue from there.
Infertility is also a man’s grief
Laakso, who graduated from Teatterikorkeakoulu in 2015, has been seen in, among other things, television series. Most freelance actors have been employed by numerous stage jobs around Finland.
– It was the great tragedy of his life, which finally made him bitter.
Laakso believes that he recognizes the queen’s sadness, because he too has had time to go through the difficult emotions related to childlessness. The experience of childlessness was particularly strong after the actor had just turned thirty.
At the birthday dinner on the Monday after Midsummer, the table was full of friends and laughter, but the hero felt that he had failed.
– It was wonderful that there were parties and people, but it included that.
Now, six years later, Laakso still doesn’t have children, but on the other hand, she doesn’t have the strong and fundamental booze that she used to get while walking past strollers and playgrounds. Every single time.
– Then I had a real emergency. It pissed me off that I wasn’t the father.
Difficult conversations right to the top
Laakso says that in his relationships he was always looking for the mother of his children. That he was ready to be a father more than a decade ago. However, the long relationships ended, and Laakso was left alone with his dreams of children. He spoke about his desire to become a father publicly, as a result of which his Facebook was filled with quite bold proposals.
– Some of the messages were rude and I was directly asked to visit. It was embarrassing and confusing, but I don’t regret talking about it.
The actress would like to see infertility treated more openly, also from the point of view of men and in the media as well as in relationships. Laakso says that he himself should have been more honest at the beginning of the relationship and told how big a deal fatherhood is to him.
– I would say to my young self and to everyone else who is thinking about it, to have those discussions right away. The end result may not please you, but it will save both of you time.
Women in their thirties are reminded of this ticking clock, but even men’s biological chances of having children decrease with age. The \”numerical pressure\” created by society also follows men.
How and in which order previous generations have completed their lives no longer applies in today’s world, Laakso reminds.
– During his entire career, my father has written a total of 5-6 employment contracts, for me it can be one Monday. The life of a freelancer is such a patchwork.
The family and its many definitions
Otava’s encyclopedia from 1967 defines a nuclear family as a family that includes adult parents and their common children. The number of such units is decreasing, because today more and more families are structured differently.
Laakso says that due to his own background, he has thought a lot about what we are actually talking about when we talk about family. Who does the strict demarcation of family outlines even serve?
– Actually, the combination can be anything. A new family is no big deal either, because family structures have changed so enormously. Of course, when society changes too.
It is merciful. Especially for someone who has had to explain their own family relationships to others since childhood. Over time, Laakso has stated that he, in turn, would like to be the one who asks.
Only one person can give the answers. Laakso’s biological father.
First encounter with dad at the bar
About a decade ago, Laakso saw a man in the lobby of the theater who is possibly his biological father. Laakso had arrived at the premiere with his little brother. The one he had met a few years before.
Laakso had heard that they might have the same father and now that man was queuing at the bar counter after the play at the premiere party. Laakso decided to introduce himself; shook hands and told his name. He pointed to his very self-conscious little brother sitting at the table and said that if he’s your son, I’m probably too. Said his late mother’s name.
– I will never forget the shame that flashed in his eyes from decades ago. He quickly replied that it has never been proven.
Get over it. Laakso bought the man a tentacle and for the rest of the evening they really avoided each other. Or maybe it was more the man who avoided. Laakso thought that maybe this one would need a moment’s inch break or a couple more tentacles to approach.
There was no proper discussion then, and there hasn’t been since that evening either. Laakso has tried to call. He would like to offer dinner, for example.
– I don’t need him for anything, and I don’t ask him for anything but a little time. She is the only person alive who could tell me about my own biological mother and the things that led to me being where I am now.
Laakso doesn’t mince his words when talking about how he imagined it started: A hidden relationship. A brief encounter. A moment’s mistake. Maybe even a bar toilet.
– A whole person with life can be born from one moment. And which possibly makes a new life. Even getting a driver’s license requires significantly more, says Laakso.
On Father’s Day, Laakso does not send a text message to his supposed biological father. Never posted, but hopes, maybe someday that too could feel as natural as communicating with Found Siblings as an adult.
Father’s Day present grace and dreams
This Father’s Day is special in the Laakso family for two reasons. It is the first without Laakso’s father, who died at the end of last year, and the first when his father is a grandfather himself. Laakso’s little sister gave birth to her first child in the summer, which threw the whole family into a happy frenzy – as the first grandchild is wont to do.
– I told my spouse that we got a couple of years of grace with this, Laakso laughs.
Laakso, who lives in Jyväskylä with her actor husband and labrador retriever, says that for the first time in her life, she is in a relationship where it has been decided that she will have children if she has to.
– It’s more than I’ve ever had before.
You can no longer wait for a good moment, because it may never come.
– I have tried to develop grace. Just in everyday things and then in these bigger questions. Now it’s really good like this.
Maybe one year the actress, who is passionate about cooking, will have an assistant cook in her kitchen, and this one will have a little one. You sit in it next to the sink and you can press the button of the universal machine when you make a liver box, just like Laakso himself when he was little.
After hours of cooking, the table is set with plates for three courses and cloth napkins. The rings, of course.
The family tree handout that caused a headache in elementary school has disappeared.
Good thing, because Laakso likes to draw his own style.